Title: DOUBTS
Author: DIVERTIMENTO
E-mail:
ellene_j@...
Source: Peacemaker Kurogane
Main character(s): Okita, Hijikata, Tetsu, OC
Archived on the website: Yes
General Rating: G
Warning: None
Disclaimer: Don't own any characters. Am too awed by them. They
own me, mind, body, soul.
For the version with italics, bolds, and other formatting stuff that
got lost in the list, or if you wish to leave reviews, please click
on this link:
http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?
storyid=2557076&chapter=1
DOUBTS
"Exciting," said Okita Souji, muffled, through a mouthful.
"Well, yes," The proprietor of his favourite confectionery
sounded
like her products and looked the part, with her small, cosily
plump
form and bright dark eyes. "Indeed, even in a place where
extraordinary things happen on a daily basis. I think I have had
enough excitement to be getting along with, for now."
Souji said lightly, deliberately, "I suppose the last real stir
was
the Ikedaya Incident."
"Ah," the lady said. "Who could forget that? Hijikata-san
is a kind
soul, no doubt he had his reasons. Tell me, Soujirou, have you had
some sort of quarrel with him?"
Souji thought: And that's what you wanted to ask me, with the bag
of
candies, because you are a kind soul too
And I wish I could be
properly honest with you.
"No," he said, choosing his words carefully. "But we have
had a
couple of bad news recently and I think he just wants to be alone.
For a while."
She shook her head.
A small pain shot through Souji's chest; he clutched it briefly,
and
Saizou squirmed uneasily against him.
He said suddenly, "Did he never come back at all, ever? Your son?
How could he just go off and leave you, like that?"
"I don't know," the lady said. "But no, there was no
sign of him
since."
"To go away like that
"
She looked at him sharply. "Have you heard anything about
him."
"Oh, no, of course not."
"You're a funny boy yourself," the lady said curiously.
"Sometimes
you sound like an old man. Comes from hanging around the Shinsengumi
for such a long time, I suppose
" She hesitated for a moment,
then
drew closer. "There was once, a few days before he left, when we
were
alone, he told me: If you have once betrayed a great trust, you dare
not let yourself be trusted again, because a second betrayal would be
the end of the world. I don't know if you can understand
that."
"You mean he was frightened of what he might do?"
"And more frightened of what he had done. Whatever it was."
"So he ran away. Poor guy."
"Poor me," the lady sighed.
There was a gentle tug at the hem of his yukata. Souji bent slightly,
tipping Saizou out onto the streets where he capered excitedly around
his feet. The child gazed up at him with wide adoring eyes; face
alight with anticipation.
"Here you go, Miki-chan," Souji poured out a generous portion
of
candies into the cupped hands, smiling all the while.
Stuffing the candies into her mouth, the child turned suddenly and
gave him a clumsy hug before running off. "Thank you,
Soujiro-san!"
The lady laughed when she saw his smile brighten with pleasure and
surprise, "Fond of you, those orphans."
"I am fond of them too, very."
"Be careful then, won't you?" Her round face was innocent
of all
expression, but the words had force. Souji looked at her rather
coldly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well," the lady said carefully, pottering about her shop.
"I am not
at all sure what it is that is going on all around us, or where it is
leading. But those who know anything at all about the Shinsengumi
also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the white
burning of the sun." Suddenly her voice sounded to Souji very
strong. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity,
and
mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all
else, they do not come first for the Mibu-Ro. Oh, sometimes they are
there; often, indeed. But in the long run the concern is with
absolute order, ahead of all else. You are like fanatics. Your
masters, at any rate. "
Her warm lyrical voice ended, and there was only the roar of bustling
humanity around them. Souji looked out over the mass of bobbing
heads, silent.
"That was a whole lot of nonsense, now," The shopkeeper
continued
awkwardly. "But I was only saying, be careful not to forget that
there are people in this city who can be hurt, even in the pursuit of
good ends."
Souji heard again in his mind his opponents' anguished cries as
he
cut them down
And for a second another image, unexpected,
flashed
into his mind out of his past: the strong, bony face of Kondo Isami,
cold in judgement of a once-respected figure who, through the frailty
of being no more than a man, had once betrayed the cause of the
Shinsengumi.
He sighed. "I understand what you are saying," he said sadly.
"But
you misjudge us, because you are a human yourself. For us demons,
there is only the destiny. Like a job to be done. We are here simply
to stop any potential revolutions at all costs. The charity and mercy
are for you, they are the only things by which men are able to exist
together in peace. But in this hard case that we are in, confronting
the Choshu and the other such renegade factions, we can make no use
of them."
Souji reached down and lifted his hyperactive pet, cradling it
against his chest as it grunted in satisfaction. A fine rain began to
mist the streets of Kyoto. He turned around then and began his long
walk back to the Headquarters.
"Soujiro," The voice behind him called out softly. "It is
a cold
world you live in, my boy. I do not think so far ahead, myself. I
would take one human being over all the principle, all the time."
He stopped then. "Sometimes," he said slowly over his
shoulder, "in
this sort of a war, it is not possible to pause, to smooth the way
for one human being, because even that one small thing could mean an
end for countless others." Then bowing his head slightly, and
gathering round him his robes, he glided away.
For all he knew, the lady's son could very well have joined a
rival
faction. In that case, it was quite likely that he, Okita Souji,
demon-child of the Shinsengumi, have played some part or other in the
man's postulated demise. No one would know: he had already killed
so
many. Perhaps the lady would never know security: what right had he
to value an individual less than the potential collapse of a regimen
as he knew it? Suffering is not increased by numbers: one body can
contain all the suffering the world can feel. He had judged like a
true assassin in terms of quantity.
Twilight had passed into night; he wandered through the network of
turns, with Saizo whining for his late dinner. The city was full of
narrow streets and alleys, all of which he knew like the back of his
hand, but he was too careless of his own welfare and safety to be
cautious and he had left his katana in his room.
So it came as no surprise when he saw Tetsunosuke waiting at the
gates to the Headquarters: "Okita-san! Hijikata-san would have
fifty
fits if he sees you in this state!"
Souji smiled and patted the boy's head absent-mindedly as he
passed. "A little rain won't kill me, Tetsu-kun."
Hijikata Toshizo did have fifty fits when he passed him in the
hallway. Soujiro stifled a snigger as he watched his brother-in-arms
turn an alarming shade of bright purple. Could fits be quantified? he
thought, and burst out laughing.
"Souji! What did you think you were doing? A Shinsengumi captain
reduced to this state! What is the world coming to?"
Souji found himself promptly divested of his robes and his hair dried
by a pair vigorous hands. In minutes, he was clad warmly in a crisp
clean robe, hair trailing down his back.
Behind him, Toshi said unexpectedly, "You are killing
yourself."
One human being over all the principle.
Souji lay down on his futon, curling into a ball, pulling up his
knees. "Oh, so would I," he said sadly to himself. "So
would I, if I
could. It would feel a lot better inside me. But it wouldn't
work."
Toshi couldn't have known that his young friend was not replying
to
him when he said that. He stood up stiffly and left the room,
remembering to close the screen doors firmly to shut out any draught.
He thought of the day years ago and Souji kneeling in front of him,
with his wide innocent eyes on the katana bestowed upon him. How he
wished there existed someone to whom he could say he was sorry.
The End
The end? Well, maybe not. We shall see. Meanwhile, if there is anyone
out there reading this, please review.