FIC: Bakumatsu Jeopardy (Part 1), Multiple series, Entire Shinsengu

Title: Bakumatsu Jeopardy (Part 1)
Author: Shimazu Masayoshi
Email:patriot014@...
Source: Multiple series/realities
Main character(s): Entire Shinsengumi, others
General Rating: PG-13
Warning: Language.
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, but the fic idea
belongs to Barb and me. So there.

"Jeopardy!" belongs to some rich Hollywood people. So what? Monty
Python belongs to Monty Python, the greatest ensemble of British
comedic geniuses in all human history (ESPECIALLY John Cleese!!).
PeaceMaker Kurogane belongs to Kurono Nanae-sensei, Kaze Hikaru
belongs to Watanabe Taeko-sensei, Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki
Nobuhiro-sama (All hail the great and almighty god of historic
manga!!), "Shinsengumi!" belongs to NHK, etc. etc. Caveat ripoff artist.

(fade in to the Jeopardy set. Standard announcer voice.)

Announcer: Live, from Nijo Castle Studios in beautiful Kyoto, THIS IS
BAKUMATSU JEOPARDY!

(cut to contestants' row)

Announcer: Tonight's contestants are (in no particular order)…Kondou
Isami, a native of Bushu Tama, 4th generation master of Tennen Rishin
Ryuu, and commander of the Shinsengumi!

(Kondou enters, waving politely)

Announcer: Next, Hijikata Toshizou, (Hijikata enters, glaring)
licensed expert of Tennen Rishin Ryuu, self-styled poet (Hijikata
glares more sharply). And…um…(whispers: demon) vice-commander of the
Shinsengumi!

(Hijikata takes a long drag of his pipe. Cut to audience. Young girls
scream for Hijikata and swoon. Hijikata flashes a grin. Girls swoon
some more.)

Announcer: And last, but certainly not least, the constant companion
of Shinsengumi first unit captain Okita Souji, the last line of
defense of Shinsengumi headquarters, and ham hock extraordinaire,
Saizou the pig!

(Saizou enters with an angry, indignant *buki!* at the announcer)

Announcer: Uhh…right…and now, here is the host of Bakumatsu Jeopardy,
SAKAMOTO RYOMA!!

(Ryoma enters in spotless kimono-haori-hakama combination, swords at
his side, and salutes the audience)

Ryoma: Ohhh say can you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…er…right. (straightens
up) Good evening, and welcome to the first installment of "Bakumatsu
Jeopardy!" Our guests tonight are all members in good standing of the
Shinsengumi—which makes them prime targets—er— ::phew:: contestants
for our show! Now then, our categories are—

(Board lights up with the funky beeping sound)

Ryoma: Ichimura Tetsunosuke

Hijikata: (mutters) Useless page…

Ryoma: Next category— The Pleasure Quarters

(Kondou and Hijikata look up)

Ryoma: Excuses For Showing up Late to a Raid.

Hijikata: (screams) OKUZAWA YOU BASTARD!

Ryoma: A-HEM. Moving right along-- next category, Famous Swords!

(Kondou lovingly pats his Nagasone Kotetsu katana)

Ryoma: And the last category—The Mimawarigumi Inquisition!

(Crashing sound is heard. A crowd of samurai in gray uniforms and
black hakama, led by a man in a similar uniform but in a red
sleeveless jinbaori overcoat, enter)

Ryoma: Ack!! Sasaki Tadasaburou!!! (runs and hides)

Sasaki: NOBODY expects a Mimawarigumi Inquisition! Our weapon is
pedigrees—that's all, just pedigrees.

Kondou: What about government stipends?

Sasaki: Ah, yes yes yes, alright, pedigrees and government stipends,
fanatical devotion to ourselves, and nice gray uniforms. Now—

(Crowd of Shinsengumi samurai rush in and shove the Mimawarigumi off
the set)

Ryoma: (slowly emerges) Um…right. Well, it looks like it's time for
our first commercial break, so don't go away!

(Commercial begins. Cue patriotic music)

Announcer: Are revolutionaries attacking you? Is your centuries-old
military government in peril? If so, then we know who you
need—SHINSENGUMI! No matter where you are (especially if you're in the
pleasure quarters), with just one small down payment of 200 ryo and
two large vats of sake, Shinsengumi will keep you safe and free of
rebel activity.

(MAKOTO flag appears)

Announcer: Now at the Yagi estate, within convenient walking distance
of Shimabara and Nijo Castle. SHINSENGUMI! A Matsudaira Bros. company.
AKU! SOKU! ZAN!

(Commercial break ends)

Ryoma: Welcome back! Now…let's get started! Kondou Isami, please
select the first category.

Kondou: I'll take "Ichimura Tetsunosuke" for 100, Ryoma.

Ryoma: (clears throat) And the answer is—"Tetsunosuke's least favorite
sound." Yes, Hijikata Toshizou?

Hijikata: What is "An oiran in Shimabara"?

Ryoma: Sorry, that's incorrect—yes, Saizou?

Saizou: Buki!

Ryoma: That's—CORRECT! Next category please, Saizou.

Saizou: Bu-bukibuki—buki!

Ryoma: "Famous Swords" for 100! And the answer is—"The Japanese word
for weapon." Yes, Saizou?

Saizou: BUKI!
(author's note: This is true. Hey, don't blame me, look it up in the
Japanese-English dictionary.)

Ryoma: CORRECT! Next category.

Saizou: Bu-buki!

Ryoma: "The Pleasure Quarters" for 100—The answer is "Akesato." Yes,
Hijikata Toshizou?

Hijikata: "Who is an oiran in Shimabara?"

Ryoma: Correct!

(Suddenly, PMK Saitou enters the set)

Saitou: (monotone) I sense a disturbing presence here…

(Maro enters from the other side, shooting flaming arrows)

Maro: Burn! Burn, you bastards!!! Maro will burn you all!!

Ryoma: (hurriedly) Uh—I guess today's winner is Saizou the Pig—see you
all later…maybe…

(Hijikata and Kondou draw their swords and run toward Maro, as the set
starts burning to ashes)

Ryoma: (starts running, crashing through the burning set) DON'T
WORRY!!! HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

(fade to black)

Enter the author, clad in full Shinsengumi regalia.

Masayoshi: Yeah, I know, I know, that was ridiculous. But did you
expect anything less?

TSUZUKU!! -- To be continued!! In "Bakumatsu Jeopardy Episode 2:
Enough with the Pyromaniacs Already!"