Shinsengumi
Samurai Theater
2000+5
featuring PMK Hijikata and RK Saitou
(or if the Shinsegumi were fans of MST3K....)
by
Miss Behavin and BarbaraSheridan
~~~
Hijikata: Who's the old guy?
Saitou- *smirk* You
Hijikata (flames in the background): NANI?! I AM NOT OLD!!! OR FAT!!! OR BUTT UGLY!!!
Saitou--You are now *smirk*And for ALL the World to see...
Hijikata: *calms down and casually takes a puff off his pipe-*Hmph. Well,
at least they remembered to even HAVE me in
the movie....
Saitou *silently fumes* I'm there watching the try-outs.*points* Right there!
Hijikata: I don't see a sign anywhere proclaiming that's you. Really
Saito-san... Such a bit part? And I used to think you were someone important... *smirk*
: Saitou *grumbles* At least I'm not old and fat and disgusting
Hijikata: Keep muttering Saito-kun, and it will be another three days of
"kinshin" for you. In Takeda's room!
Saitou * non-committal faint grin* Can't be any worse than it was with you..
Hijikata: *puzzled look* All I did was write poetry for three days. We're missing the fight, by the way. So who's the girl the child samurai is sparring with?
Saitou--I'm not sure could be Hara Gorou's sister but I think..it's a man
Hijikata *spits out the sip of tea he was drinking*: NOT THAT AGAIN! Don't tell
me...Kano again? *shivers despite the heat-* That boy was just so...unnatural. Look at him! He's a zombie! And what is with the all-white uniform? Who's he trying to fool with the innocent act anyway?! And it doesn't do a thing about hiding bloodstains...
Saitou--And worst of all he has baby fat. Look at those cheeks--no not those-- I mean his face.
Hijikata: Are we really going to let that little fre... I mean are we really going to let him enter the ranks of the Shinsengumi? Kondo, say "NO" for crying out loud! And you be quiet over there Ito!
Saitou *cringing* Look, you approve. Ancient hideous You approves of the little dough boy/girl
Hijikata: So not only is that actor old, fat, and ugly, but he doesn't know anything about the person he's playing. Wonderful! This movie is doomed! Now who is that child samurai supposed to be anyway?
Saitou--That is Okita... And he's out of breath.*glares* Hn. You're a fossil and Okita is out of shape.
Hijikata: Yes, so it would appear. And the guy next to Kano? He's so dull and unimportant that I've already forgotten his name.
Saitou--Oh,. *thinks* I have a feeling he's the guy that alleged Secretary -to -me person fawns over , but I think he has a crush on the pretty boy *shivers*
Hijikata: I see. So we'll call him "Nobody 1" then... And the terror has already begun. This is a horror movie, correct?
:Saitou--I believe so, yes.
Hijikata--Who's that out of breath little boy fighting Nobody1 again?
Saitou--Okita, remember?
Hijikata-That can't be Souji-kun He just had the matchstick of a bokken knocked out of his hands. And he's horribly out of breath.
Saitou--Note the subtitles, Hijikata-san. Where the grotesque Kondou says--"Okita won but he had a run for his money"
Hijikata-Oh for Kami's sake Nobody 1 is going to flirt with the pretty boy by trying small talk..
*bored expression on both viewers face until.....*
Saitou & Hijikata in unison-- Why did he join???
Hijikata--It's quite obvious Nobody1!! Look at the lustful gleam in his eye! He wants to be with the men! Lots of men!
Saitou--He's even Takeda's worst nightmare!
Saitou--Oh look a beheading! *leans closer to screen*
Hijikata: So the rumors that you like murder WERE true! It's murder I tell you! Oh wait... I'm the one who ordered it. Never mind...
Saitou *glares* Hey! It's Nobody1. What's he doing barging in? Wasn't he in the lockup for something-or-other?
Hijikata: I believe that is the something-or-other he gets locked up for.
Saitou & Hijikata stare open mouthed at ultra fake blood spray from alleged beheading victim
Hijikata-- *points at screen* Hey! Don't wave that thing around in my face
Kano! Are you an idiot?! Put the bloody head down you sicko!
Saitou *on the edge of his seat, hand reaching out but he catches himself* Yes, put that head down with proper respect, Ahou!
Hijikata: So, they're letting Nobody 1 out of jail? Should have made him commit seppuku. That's what -I- would have done. Stupid Beat Takeshi....He can't do anything right.
Saitou *quizzical look* I thought his name was Takeshi Kitano...
Hijikata: He has nearly as many aliases as -you- . But I have no idea why an actor would need them. Could it be because he's so bad he's in hiding from angry fans?
: Saitou--And so old that the rot has gone straight through and petrified his brain cells so he can't remember who he is.
Hijikata: So it would seem... Now what are they doing?! *the scene changes
to the sleeping quarters* No wonder we had so much of -that- going on! Too many men in one room! Ugh. There's Kano and Nobody 1 again...
Saitou *oddly mesmerized then snaps out of it* Hn, good thing we officers had our own quarters. *brow creases he turns to Hijikata* As I recall you and Okita were roomies were you not?
Hijikata: *glares in reply*
Saitou *smirks in triumph*
Hijikata: Kinshin. In Takeda's room.
:Saitou--*brow creases* It would appear that some alleged Shinsengumi
member has invited the kid to a teahouse to seduce him...*eyes wide as the guy
pushes the kid onto the floor and the scene fades* I never thought I'd sound like
an insipid fan girl but, Ewwww
Hijikata: *shudders, then recovers himself.* This movie is going from bad to worse. The only way it could get more ridiculous is if they had Inoue running after the boy. But we both know -that- could never happen!
Saitou--*nudges Hijikata* Don't look now but Inoue and the kid are going on a stakeout....
Hijikata *blanches, then recovers* Who's idea was that?! What sort of moron would put Inoue with -him-? *shudder*
Saitou--*shrugs, watches a bit then yells* Ahous! And you call yourself a
Shinsengumi captain! You should have known they were going to jump out and get you! Look out! No! over there, fool!*jumps up, whips out katana, Hijikata holds him back*
Hijikata: *sigh* You would think Inoue would know better than to believe a little psychotic sissy-boy about whether or not someone is hiding in the dark below, just waiting to push the ladder out from under you. But at least Okita is coming to the rescue! Now if he can just keep his breath long enough...
Saitou *snarling* Since the Kano kid is blinded by the blood splatter do you think he'll strike out at Okita who will kill him and end this madness?
Hijikata: No. We would not be so fortunate. Now who is this guy that's making a pass at the Kano kid? Nobody 2 or 3? I think he's even more disturbing that Nobody 1.
Saitou--So it would appear.
Hijikata-- *sits forward*. Oh, I'm ordering the pudgy Yamazaki clone to take the kid to Shimabara to 'straighten him out'. I, of course will go to supervise.
Saitou: *smirks* Think again dear Fukuchou, you obviously stay behind.
Hijikata--Yamazaki-kun! Snap out of it! don't let the pretty boy hold your hand!! Yes! There you go! Get a palaquin quick! Don't spend anymore time with that little freak than you have to! *Watches the workers trying to tote their load.* On second thought, GET OUT OF THE PALAQUIN BEORE YOUR OVERWEIGHT BEHINDS KILL SOMEONE YAMAZAKI!!! Those poor bearers....
*Both gape open mouthed as the "finest prostitute in Shimabara" makes her bizarre-er---grand entrance*
Hijikata: If she came in to "service" me I think it would TURN me gay....*After a few more moments* Well Kami-dammit, hurry up woman! Can't you walk like a -normal- person! Hmph! By the time she manages to get down the hall the kid is going to be too old to care about either men -or- women!
Saitou: Yamazaki-san! Have some decency man! Get your hand out of your hakama! Don't soil a perfectly clean fundoshi over THAT!
Hijikata: *gagging* The fundoshi are all you're concerned with?! That man has touched things with that nasty hand that have touched -us-! I'll definitely never look at -him- quite the same way again. And stop smirking at me like that Saitou! I didn't mean it -that- way! *muttering* You and your sick imagination... You must actually -want- "kinshin" in Takeda's room!
Saitou-As I said it couldn't be any worse than it was with you.
Hijikata-- *mutters* I don't recall any complaints at the time...
*with looks of those fascinated by a gruesome accident the two samurai continue to watch the film and its quasi-murder mystery unfold*
Hijikata-why is Okita throwing rocks at those kids he says are helping him fish?
Saitou-He's jealous because their stamina is better than his own?
*they half watch the film Saitou polishes his katana while Hijikata composes haiku until something catches the Third Captain's eye*
Saitou--Now just why are ancient you and the feeble Okita clone out in the bushes at night? Hmmmm?
Hijikata-- Saitou, stop with the disturbing innuendo! Obviously the director has a sick imagi---.. *trails off and stares in shock at the screen for a moment.* WHAT?! Kano is in love with Okita?! When did that happen?! Did you see -anything- in this entire movie that would lead you to that conclusion?! And I agree Okita! They're scary! Very scary! But you still haven't explained to my satisfaction why you're reading that-kind of story!
Saitou-*clearly puzzled* The girly boy loves Okita??? Did they even meet again outside of that lame sparring match in the beginning? *glances to Hijikata* And he was reading that kind of story because you lent it to him. *smirk*
Hijikata *glares and mouths* Kinshin. Takeda. One month.
*Finally Kano and Nobody 1 appear on the screen. Both viewers initially shrink back in disgust until...*
Hijikata: Look! They're fighting! They're.... Hmph! Well, that was over quick. So let me get this straight? The -real- murderer is still loose in our ranks and I'm going to do -nothing- about it?! Someone should... *Sudden scream from the movie cuts him off.* Well, at least Okita got -one- thing right!
Saitou--Eww! You spit! Have you no sense of hygiene man! And you think the kid was beautiful! And you had to kill the sapling sakura didn't you? Thinks that's impressive *smirks* The Battousai can fell a mature large tree with a single stroke...
Hijikata---The Battousai? What's a Battousai?
Saitou--*gets up* I'll explain it you at the sake bar.
Hijikata: *Also gets up.* Fine. But just so you know, that sakura tree was obviously diseased! Hence the need to kill it! Frankly I'm surprised the old fossil didn't accidently cut it so that it would fall on him and kill him! Actually, that would have been a better ending...
*Both walk out of the living room just in time to miss the beginning of a decent samurai movie -The Sword of Doom.*
To be continued..................